The Suicide
Note
By Andrew SevenSeven
The following is a work of fiction, any similarity to
an actual event is purely coincidental.
Esmeralda sat
at her cubicle mechanically typing away at a report she had to hand in that
afternoon. She was so bored. She repressed a yawn when she noticed her
supervisor strolling about the work room in her periphery. Her eyes became teary
as a result. As one of those habits she carried out without thought, she
pressed CTRL+S and looked around the room. Everyone was busy with their own
work, conspicuously looking much busier than they had before Mrs. Van Zyl had
entered, though. She sighed. It had been gradually building for weeks, but the
feeling of emptiness was beginning to overcome her. Again. A very dangerous
feeling, she knew. This was exactly how it had started 7 years ago. A dark time
in her life, 7 years ago, when she swallowed that bottle of pills, but had somehow
survived. A miracle, Dr. Jonathan had called it. She had managed to pick her
life up again since then, found a decent job, bought a car, lived in a nice
apartment, even put her sister through college, but being 31 and not yet having
met a man she could build a life with was managing to bring some of her old
demons back. She stood up, deciding to take a break before continuing. Sitting
at a desk in the small cafeteria sipping hot tea, the thought would not
liberate her. Typing reports for the rest of her life wasn’t exactly her big
dream either. What have I done with my life? The monotony of her existence flogged
her mind like a slave master’s whip. Frustrated, she took a hasty gulp of her
tea and almost burned her tongue off. She swore and went into her pockets
looking for Smoothies. Those would cool her tongue a little. She finally
remembered after she had rummaged her handbag down to its foundations, that she
had left her sweets in her locker. She skipped to the locker-room at once, and
there she found Mrs. Maria Shaanika, looking slightly distressed. Maria was a
good friend and colleague of hers.
“Maria,” she said in an inquisitive tone.
“Is everything alright?”
“Yes. Well, no, my dear,” replied Maria. “I
seem to have forgotten the keys to my locker at home. And I needed a document
in there.”
Esmeralda smiled and rolled her eyes at
her friend. “You can use my key. Have you forgotten? Our keys work on each
others’ locks.”
Maria threw her hands aloft in relief and delight.
“Oh, thank you, dear. Yes, yes, I had forgotten.”
Esmeralda handed her the keys and after
retrieving what she needed and locking up, Maria returned the keys and happily
strode off to go complete her work.
By now the sting on the tip of Esmeralda’s
tongue had receded to no more than a tingling sensation, but she decided to get
her sweets anyway since she had come all this way. She opened up and looked
around. Ah, there they were…next to…her bottle of Panados. She had bought them
a few days ago at the kiosk when she suspected she was coming down with a cold.
It was still full, she had only drunk four. Her hand reached deeper into the
locker, past the sweets and brought out the bottle. She fingered it. Your
meaninglessness can be solved, a cruel thought sprang up in her mind. You need
not put up with it any longer. No one would miss you. She sighed and lowering
her eyes, she noticed a small envelop atop a pile of old reports. She picked it
up and looking for an excuse to do anything else other than look at that bottle
of pills, she tore the envelop open. She read the letter inside.
‘Dear
mother, I’m sorry that I stole your keys, but I had to find a way to make sure
this got to you. This is the end for me. I know this will break your heart, but
I think this is the only way for me. Life is just too hard. I just feel so
alone all the time. No one likes me, I have no friends and everyone at school
hates me. You just cannot understand how it feels like to be alone all the
time. I cannot go on anymore. I will end it today, probably before you read
this. Goodbye, mother. I pray that you will find comfort and forget me. I hope
we will meet again in the next life. Love, David.’
No, this wasn’t right, Esmeralda thought
desperately. David!? Such a young and bright, lovely boy. He had his whole life
ahead of him. His problems could be solved, what he was planning was no solution.
She nervously paced around trying to think. He must have gotten his mother’s
locker mixed up with hers. And then she remembered, she had David’s number! His
mother had called him from his cellphone once. Yes, she had his number. She had
to phone him. She desperately prayed it wasn’t too late. Her hand quivered as
she searched for his number and dialed.
It took a whole 30 seconds before the
phone was picked up and a reply came from the other end. “H—hello,” came
David’s voice. He was panting.
“David?” She asked hesitantly. She had to be careful here with how she
approached him.
“I’m sorry, whoever you are?” came his
shaking voice. Or maybe it sounded so because of her pre-knowledge. “I cannot
talk right now. There is something I must do,” and then he added a very solemn
“Goodbye.”
He was about to hang up when she threw all
caution to the wind. “Look, I know what you are about to do. You cannot do
this, please listen to reason, David.”
“Who are you?” David asked suspiciously. He
sounded on the verge of tears.
“I’m a friend,” she answered. “Listen, I
know what you’re going through, please do not do this.”
“How could you possibly know what I’m
going through?” David said sounding a tad angry.
Esmeralda hesitated. She had never spoken
about her dark past with anyone other than her sister, the doctor and her
friend Maria. “B—because I too went through the same thing. Seven years ago I
tried to end my life. I drank pills but it seems God wanted me to survive. I
know what you’re going through.”
“I
just feel so alone,” David broke down on the other end. “So worthless.”
Feeling like she had gained a foothold,
Esmeralda ploughed on. “Yes, I know. You feel like no one understands you, you
feel alone. But trust me, it gets better. I promise you. These feelings are
never permanent. After I came from the hospital, I found the joys in life
again. I have a beautiful sister that I’ve helped finish school, and she could
not have done it if I was gone. This is only a permanent solution to a
temporary problem. I know you feel lonely, David, but I will be your friend.
Please just rethink it.” She could hear David full on sobbing now. She did not
stop. “Besides, you might not be aware of this but the human body is much more
resilient than we think. You could drink a bottle of pills, jump with a rope
tied around your neck and still survive, countless people do. And you would
walk away from it paralyzed but very much alive or brain damaged, is that what
you want? For your poor mother to watch you for the rest of her life, being fed
through a tube unable to communicate? That would break her heart, but
think...how much more would she be devastated if you succeeded and died? She’d
be destroyed if you go through with this. But more than that, David, you will
waste a precious God-given life. You have so much ahead of you. Besides, I’m a
really fun person and you will be putting all my fun to waste if you do this.”
He laughed softly at that joke. Was that
progress, Esmeralda wondered? It seemed to be, because after sniffing and
sighing, David said, “Ok. I’m—I’m putting the bottle down, I took 3 pills just
to test the waters, but I—I think I’m Ok”
She sighed loudly. Relief and joy
overwhelmed her but she managed to continue. “Everything will be alright. Are
you at home? Ok, then I want you to stay put, your mother and I will be there
very soon. We’ll see a doctor friend of mine and then this weekend, you and my
sister and I can go catch a movie. How does that sound?”
He agreed to everything, after hanging up,
Esmeralda took a second to take it all in. She felt a boost inside she had not
experienced in a few years. She felt like she mattered. Like she had done
something that mattered, and truthfully, she did and she had. She smirked to
herself as it hit her. She had mattered even before this. Every little thing
she had underestimated just half an hour before, she now cherished. Life seemed
special again. Yes she was 31 and she had not found her Prince Charming yet,
but so what, she laughed inside. All the more she would value him when he finally
showed up, and she knew he would. Life was beautiful again. She skipped off to
find Maria hoping her friend would not freak out when she heard what had just
happened.
