Christians don’t care…and that’s OK

Disclaimer*

The last note I wrote caused a stir so I will begin this with saying this was my experience. My opinion. Not yours.

With that out of the way…I remember a friend telling me something some time back that resonated with me. It stuck like Dunhill smoke. He was going through some issues that eventually resulted in a withdrawal from the usual Christian crowds and after Christians reached out to him he said to me during a heart to heart that he was patient enough to go through the motions because sooner or later “They will lose interest because they don’t really care.” Sure enough, he stopped getting those “Are you Okay, my brother?” texts.

Inside, I smirked…if my insides do smirk. I’m sure my intestines smirk wryly every time I tell myself I will start doing sit-ups…But I’m getting off track. 5 years ago I attended CRC for about a year. I went through my own string of spiritual hurdles and stopped going to church…I got a text from one of the cell leaders after skipping church one Sunday. “Hi my brother. It’s ‘Name Withheld.’ Didn’t see you in church today. Hope to see you soon.” I got a similar one the Sunday after and that was the last time I ever heard from that person.

Fast-forward 5 years later and every other month I get this from someone: “Hi, Andrew. Are you still saved? I see some of the things you post on Facebook and they’re very disturbing.” I trained myself to give a default answer. “We can sit down and talk about it sometime if you really wanna know.”

To be precise, 0% have ever taken me up on that offer. Of the many Christians who are ‘so called’ concerned about my salvation and what I post on Facebook, zero have any interest in actually sitting down with me to adequately voice their concern and/or hear my heart. This used to bother me. For a long time I felt like a mere box Born Agains had to tick off so they could pat themselves on the back when they prayed at night. Mathew 18:15, check! But then I actually thought about it. I thought about all the people I had offered myself to, whether to talk to or simply be there for them and I admitted to myself that not every single of my words of promise to care rang true.

It takes a lot to care for someone. It’s easy to say I will keep you in my prayers or some other platitude but caring is much deeper. I know it because I have seen it. I have seen my mother take care of someone on their death bed, night after night. There was no happy ending. No patting herself on the back afterwards. It was draining. It was beautiful. It was real.

Without being too vague you know that if you have ever been a devout Christian and battled with unbelieve or aspects of the church system you know it is one lonely path. How dare you struggle with your faith? How dare you be not as spiritually strong as I project myself to be? It is lonely. And if you are genuinely struggling with your faith, not straight up leaving it (which I might address in a separate future note), you know that you want to talk to someone. You want to be able to express to someone who says they care and hear a different voice than your own warped, bleak thoughts. I don’t of course just mean this with dealing with unbelief but when you’re facing any dark moment in your life. When the sheep slowly starts to stray from the flock. The only problem is, Christians wear this toxic coat of false sympathy because that is what they think is expected of them. Go out into the world, love people, give up your own desires, love your enemies. That’s their mandate. I call it toxic because if you are not like my friend and I and have not trained yourself to detect the bs, then you will, more often than not, be drawn into something that will only eventually let you down.

Because between doing what you feel you’re mandated to do and existing as a human being with your own biases, Born Again Christians are just people after all. The truth is you don’t care and that’s OK. I mean, you care in the general sense. You genuinely don’t want a person to be hurt or not do well, but beyond that, the part that actually requires your invested effort and maybe for a long period of time, no, you do not. And that’s fine too.

I’m not picking on Christians. Let’s face it, there has been a million BS articles pinning blame on Christians for things they’re not responsible for (Really? You want to blame 18-year-old Johnny from Bible Study for the Inquisitions?). I think most people don’t care, but most people don’t feel like they’re literally the avatar of Jehovah’s kind deeds and care on the face of the earth.

When someone says ‘How are you?’ you’re supposed to respond with ‘I’m fine’ even if you’re not because saying how you really feel can create awkward moments because no one really wants to hear that. The difference is for Christians this is like a job. Meeting someone who obviously is going through something is not a situation that can be ignored because whether they feel like it or not they hear a little voice tell them they have to get involved because that’s what Christians do. But because they are human beings, if it is not genuine, it won’t last long and will only further hurt the person they think they are helping. I’m not saying I haven’t met genuinely caring Christians, because I have met a bunch, but those people generally cared about me, not just because they were a Christian or because I was still part of the faith.

Look, you can’t fake care. For someone like me who has seen so much fake care, I can easily pick it from someone’s eyes, their tone, their voice. After a friend who lives in another country told me to open up more and couldn’t find anyone I found myself telling a work colleague about extremely personal things I am currently going through that I couldn’t bring myself to fully reveal to anyone else (not counting my bro from outside the country) because no one that is around regularly felt genuine. I could tell immediately this person’s concern was real and perhaps because I had bottled in so much pain for so long we ended up talking and the colleague told me about their own struggles and it was a powerful moment.

Anyway, not caring isn’t an issue. You can’t realistically avail yourself to 7 billion people. The issue is that, if you do not care enough to want to get involved on a plane that’s not glorified platitudes, why police people? Let’s get back to my Facebook analysts. Why does it matter if I wrote ‘Shit’ or ‘Asshole’ somewhere if you cannot be bothered to actually understand why I say those things? And if my answer to your ‘Are you still saved question?’ was ‘No’, would that change anything?

Look at your life. I mean really look. Do you have non-Christian friends? Are the ones there simply because you want them to eventually be saved? Because if after four or five declined invites to visit your church your interest in them wanes then maybe you’re not really their friend.

Alas, we have gotten to this point…to the few people that continuously ask if AK is still saved but won’t take the time to meet me and talk to me about it, let’s get to it: I don’t know. I don’t really care. Shock. Horror. Why the hell did I just read 1321 words from this heathen? I don’t owe you the details…technically I don’t owe you anything but there you go. I think God has a lot to do to prove that he cares on a personal level to the same degree that his writers so eloquently wax in the Bible. So I think he’s up there but really can’t be bothered with human affairs. If you have had a different experience with him I’m happy and your experience is beautiful but that is my experience.

Subsequently, and for a myriad of reasons involving the institution itself I obviously don’t go to church even though I have had beautiful experiences there that are nostalgic treasures for me…as well as ugly ones.

So there you have it, but I don’t mind being unfriended or seen as a devil as long as what you take from this is not the state of my faith but to be a better person. Not a better Christian. A better person. If someone comes to you to express an issue they are going through and you’re genuinely not prepared to be there, don’t pretend like you do. And if you would like to, then walk with them, because people matter, just like you do.

Three Reasons I Don't Miss Being a Christian Rapper

Disclaimer*
This is coming from someone who will likely never perform in a church again (maybe never perform anywhere ever) so take everything I am about to say with a grain of salt.

As I sit back in my dingy office, listening to Sleeping at Last, looking at the picture of Cross Movement that has been floating about Facebook, I can’t help but think how that image is pretty much the Avatar of a period I reflect on with fond memories but have no desire to ever go back to.

This article, blog, whatever, isn’t about my good memories then, I don’t think there is anybody out there who could actually be bothered to care. I’m writing this because even though I’m not a Christian rapper anymore, I still care about the community.

I joined the community when it was in its infancy. Before I started going to church, I used to rap secular at school and had never heard of Christian rap, at least locally, so when we formed Lil G’s, we thought we were the first. Our world opened up when we met Four Point Mission and found out they had been active for about a year.

For someone with only recent knowledge about local Christian Hip Hop, those names will sound like Chinese to you, (Unless you actually are Chinese in which case they’ll sound like Oshiwambo—unless you own a Chinashop in Oshikango?) and I wouldn’t blame you. Both those groups died out years ago. From the two groups, only one surviving member is still active in rap (Ink).

Both groups, including Radikal Soulz and MDG are part of what I consider the richest part of the history of Namibian Gospel Hip Hop (perhaps that is just nostalgia speaking), but here is why, while I look back to those days with fond memories, have no intentions of ever going back.

1.    The church exploits its artist. Whether knowing or unknowing, that is beside the point, but for the longest time, the church has treated strangely a component that has been so key to its wide reach among the youth. In my nine years as an active Christian rapper, I have been paid no more than thrice for a performance by the church, the rest have been by secular organisers. One gospel show organiser even wanted the performers to pay—and when we said we had no money, took pride in paying for us! Look, the music industry in Namibia is already tiny, Gospel microscopic, but to expect an artist to thrive simply because they’re Christian is downright moronic. When we had an upcoming show, we had two options to get to the venue. Either walk there or use our own money for transport. I look back now on a great night of rapping to a beautiful audience—after which the pastor in his expensive suit would come out and tell us how powerful our performance was before getting into his nice car while we scrambled for taxi money to go home—with nothing but resentment. But the crazy part is, this crap still happens. The saddest part about it is, rappers will continue to put up with this because they believe it is their service to God. Whether or not it is, is not my focus here. Most local churches, particularly the “born again” Pentecostal make enough to keep the pastor on a doctor’s salary. The truth is, their show organisers just don’t understand how much an artist puts into producing music, all to have to perform their songs for free. How the hell do you expect them to pay for their next studio session? It’s not by the laying of hands, I can tell you that. Pay your bloody artist!! And if you’re a church that has a studio and think you’re slick because you won’t pay your artist since you give them free recording, you’re still exploiting them. Gospel shows although many of them are free make enough from offerings and food sold at the event to afford a small fee for the artist. I could say much more on this topic, but I will simply leave it on this note, you don’t know how much even N$150 means to an up and coming performer. Let them go buy a nice gift for their mother on Mother’s day. That is a lot more satisfying than JUST the feeling that you served the Lord, because if that was sufficient, then your pastor would still be in Nigeria/Zambia, praising the Lord and eating agege bread and not ordering pizza in Pioonerspark.

2.    No sense of excellence.

On top of not being paid, there is nothing more frustrating than going to a show and looking like a fool because the mics make you sound like Chewbacca from Star Wars getting a Colonoscopy?. It’s annoying. Now I will say this…this is completely alright if the show is in Babylon for a bunch of orphans after feeding them and just having a good time with them. But at an annual Convention under the theme, “2016 is the Year of Prosperous Jubilation for the Saints”? Are your mics sinners?? Why do they make people sound like the Beast of Revelations having an abortion? The truth is churches want it the easy way…’The kids of today, they like the Hip Hop, right? Let’s get young Jonny from the choir to do some songs at the next convention.’ Well, maybe also buy a mixer and amplifier so young Jonny can retain some semblance of dignity afterwards. It’s not just the sound too. Gospel shows are riddled with blunders which stem from poor organisation and planning. An artist who was informed he would go first gets reshuffled because some big artist who just stepped in has to go on now because he has to go finish off some affairs at home. Event hosts are picked at random, making for some of the worst chemistry and jokes you’ll ever hear. Let me also not forget about whoever decide to put on the wannabe Hillsong band before the crunk Hip Hop song so now you have to rap to a bunch of weeping teenagers. Ok, I will admit, some of this is probably nit-picking, but you will very rarely go a local gospel show and use the words elegant. Just because you think you’re doing it for the Lord doesn’t mean that’s all that matters. Strife for some semblance of excellence at least.

3.    Gospel shows create a bad atmosphere for non-Christians.

I can imagine having to invite your non-Christian friend to a gospel album release show and then having that event hijacked by the pastor of the church who decided that was the perfect time to lecture all the young kids about sex because he caught his daughter canoodling a boy the other day…So here’s your sexually active friend who you’ve been trying to get inside the church for the last four months and you promised was coming to listen to some great underrated music, having to listen to how boyfriends are evil…oh, and there’s a thirty minute worship session afterwards all of a sudden, and an alter call. That happens a lot. Look, I get that people want to be open to the Lord’s directions and that’s cool, but don’t call it an album release then. I don’t do it anymore but I’m pretty sure not everyone’s evangelism strategy is to condemn anything within a 100 meter radius. I’ve had to apologise to people for inviting them to a Christian show and them being made to leave feeling like filth. That is not cool.

Now as I said in the disclaimer, this is all coming from someone who has zero interest in ever being a Christian rapper again, but for my friends still involved, both as organisers and musicians, please take things into consideration.

Prophecy of the Born-Frees

Prophecy of the Born-Frees

Andrew Kathindi

One day, there is going to only be a generation of voters who have not witnessed the heroics of SWAPO during the liberation struggle. They won’t have lived through an era when the current ministers and politicians were merely commanders and war leaders solely motivated by a unified desire to see their country liberated from oppressors. This new generation will judge and thus vote purely based on what they have seen from their leaders from 1990 onwards.

I say all that because I think people need to realise that there is currently another generation alive that lived through all that. Our grandmas and grandpas in the north lived through the war, they witnessed the bloodshed, they picked up arms with SWAPO who rallied them. And even though times were bitter, there was a genuine cause to not only fight for, but unite a people. To them, SWAPO were like the Avengers; superheroes who swept in to save the day when an alien invasion almost obliterated everything. And it doesn’t matter what those same heroes do after that, loyalty has been permanently burnt onto their hearts like an imprint.

Maybe it’s something to do with age; maybe it’s the factor of actually living through that time, singing the songs, living through liberation, but whatever the case, nothing will ever change for them. They might mumble amongst themselves a little about their discontentment, displeasure about water facilities, health care or the pension funds, but even just the thought of voting for a different political party is not only gross sin to them; it is blasphemy of the highest order.

And faithfully vote they will. In their homes they sing songs about exile and crushing the enemy and in the booth they’ll check the same box over and over. People say the elections get rigged or this and that, but honestly, voters like this just exist in great numbers. And for as long as victory is as good as guaranteed in every election for the ruling party, the probability of slacking becomes ever higher. And this is about a good number of politicians whose minds have already been swayed by the lure of wealth.

But as much as we love and respect them, these loyal, war surviving voters won’t be around forever. There’s going to arise a time when recollection of exile will only be found in the annals of history because no one alive will have lived it. No single person will be eligible for a veteran’s cheque because there won’t be a single veteran left. This isn’t a dystopia I’m painting, it’s simply reality. It’s going to happen, and in that time, if SWAPO is still in charge, rallying people up with songs about getting the country back isn’t going to cut it because..err..we have it now. They’d have to actually do stuff to keep voters, and the bare minimum isn’t going to work. They’d have to raise the quality of education, health, not stuff their pockets while neglecting the poor, you know, generic things like that.